There are married people all over the world who want a happier, more satisfying marriage relationship. They are everywhere. You can’t go anywhere without running into them. In fact, it is highly likely that you are one of those people.
So, if there are people everywhere who want a better marriage relationship, why don’t they have one?
Surely it can’t be that hard to have the kind of marriage a person wants, can it?
Well, given that I help people create a happy, loving, affectionate, and intimate marriage relationship, I get to see everyday why people don’t have the kind of marriage relationship they really want.
The first reason people don’t have the kind of marriage relationship they want is because they don’t want to have to do anything to be lovable, desirable, attractive and sexy.
“You should just love me as I am for who I am without any effort, cooperation, collaboration, contribution, compromise, or change from me” describes their mentality… and if they could just find some way to FORCE their spouse into accepting their mentality, they would be very “happy”.
But of course, it is a one-sided standard because they certainly DO NOT love their spouse “as they are for who they are”.
They want unconditional, unqualified, un-merited love but they are not the least bit interested in giving it. If you were to give them half a chance, they would give you a long list of changes, enhancements, and improvements their spouse would have to make before they could “love” them and be “happy” with them.
My friend, here’s the bottom line: you ARE a valuable human being with MUCH potential – and the fact that God created you and put you on this earth makes that true. But, as much as you might want it to be the case, as idyllic as it might sound, you are NOT lovable, attractive, desirable, or sexy to your spouse just because you are here taking up space… just as your spouse is not lovable, attractive, desirable, or sexy to you just because they happen to be in your life.
I don’t care who you are or who you think you are, NOBODY is attracted to a slob or a blob… NOBODY desires a person with a soured, negative, hateful, bitter, or mean attitude… NOBODY feels love for – well, you understand the point.
To be lovable, attractive, desirable, and sexy REQUIRES effort, cooperation, collaboration, contribution, compromise, and change from YOU. And, the same is true for your spouse. You have to BE and DO certain things if you want to be WANTED and APPRECIATED.
The second reason people don’t have the kind of marriage relationship they want is because they dismiss their spouse’s wants, needs, and desires as superficial, silly, insignificant, and unnecessary.
The husband tells his wife what he wants… but in his wife’s mind, she thinks it’s not important for her to fulfill those wants. The wife tells her husband what she wants from him… and the husband disregards and discards her wants because they are not something he himself wants.
The husband tells his wife what he wants… but she doesn’t have the energy for his want because her energy is directed elsewhere. The wife tells her husband what she wants… but he doesn’t have the time or attention for her want because his time and attention is directed elsewhere.
Here’s what you need to know: any time your spouse has a want… and you think they should just be happy without you fulfilling that want, you are ACTIVELY CREATING an unhappy marriage relationship.
The third reason people don’t have the kind of marriage relationship they want is because they foster, hold, and harbor negative emotions towards their spouse. They get a kind of perverse enjoyment… a weird stimulation of feelings… out of dwelling upon past offenses and grievances… but it results in an unhappy SELF and an unhappy marriage.
Many people are also very good at projecting forward into the future and imagining even more offences and grievances in relation to their spouse… so that they can feel even MORE unhappy in their SELF and in their marriage.
Happily married people find and focus on the good that exists in their spouse RIGHT NOW.
The fourth reason people don’t have the kind of marriage relationship they want is because of ignorance – they have never learned how to interact with their spouse in a way that works for both of them. They have never learned how to interact with their spouse in a way that creates MUTUAL harmony, joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment.
Men are different from women. Women are different from men. They think, behave, and operate differently from each other. Consequently, they do not understand each other. And,because they don’t understand each other, offences and grievances occur on a regular basis.
The result is that they are in an unhappy marriage with a person they really do love at some level but they just aren’t happy with them. They WANT to be happy with their spouse but they aren’t happy with them.
Am I speaking to you? Are you hearing me?
Friend, as you can probably attest to in your own marriage, ignorance is NOT bliss. A lack of understanding on YOUR part does NOT create happiness for YOU. In fact, you can never have a happy, satisfying, and fulfilling marriage… you can never have a loving, affectionate, and intimate relationship UNTIL you get yourself educated and gain an understanding of your spouse’s way of thinking, behaving, and operating.
Now, 50 years ago, the culture was such that you and your spouse could stumble around for 10 – 20 years until you figured it out on your own. But in today’s society, the mentality is,”You don’t have to put up with unhappiness, just get a divorce, find someone else, and start over.”
As such, you only have a few years at most to get your marriage relationship figured out and working before your spouse chooses a divorce or an affair instead of you. Wouldn’t you agree that educating yourself is way cheaper and way more enjoyable than dealing with a divorce or an affair?
Now, as you consider your own marriage relationship, you have a personal choice to make. Some people will decide that it feels better and is easier to just blame and fault their spouse for all of the unhappiness they feel. These are the people whose marriage relationship will continue to get worse and worse until it finally ends.
These are the people who are choosing to feel more and more unhappiness… which will repel away their spouse even more. Oddly, when their marriage relationship starts coming to an end, and marriage failure is imminent, THEN they are often ready and willing to start learning what they should have learned way before. Of course at this stage, it’s often too late. But, everybody gets to make their own choices… and “enjoy” the corresponding consequences.
The good news is that TODAY, you have an opportunity to find out how to create a happy, loving, affectionate, and intimate marriage relationship with your spouse so that you don’t ever have to deal with a divorce or affair. Don’t squander or waste this opportunity.
Copyright 2010, Article by Calle Zorro of MarriedAndHappy.com